Grief, Prince, Bruce and a Lost Friend


This is one of just many musical tributes to the loss of a great artist and since it’s Bruce, it’s especially meaningful to me.

When a celebrity dies, the public memories of respected peers add a kind of emotional gravitas that helps all of us who love the mourner or the mourned – or both.

Personal loss. though, has a weight and impact hotter, sharper and deeper.

Sunday, we went to a “shiva,”a home memorial services held for a friend.  We’d met him and his wonderful wife on a cruise, sailed all through the Mediterranean and had a great time; we were so happy they lived nearby, especially since we  shared so much: they’d been married as long as we have, also had grown kids and grandkids and, it turned out, lived just across San Francisco Bay from us.

Gerri Larry tender fixed2
Gerri and Larry Miller Summer, 2015 Outside Gironda, Sp;ain

Larry was a blast to be around, intense, funny, smart and curious; he and his wife Gerri were a great pair and it was so very hard to see her grieving so intensely.

As I near my 8th decade with very little sense of age, I’m so aware of each loss of a peer and remember my dad telling me with astonishment every time one of his friends left us; it seemed to impossible to him.  Like so many other things, I understand this so much more now.

Of course it’s easier to grieve the loss of a public person, no matter how admired:  the sharp reality of a more personal one, deep feeling for his family and realigning of each memory of them, especially in the years that we become so much more aware of our own mortality, cuts and lingers so much more.

 

Robert S. McNamara: Did His Atonement Suffice or Did He Just Outlive Our Anger?

Robert_McNamara

It's hard to understand the role of Robert McNamara and feelings toward him, particularly during the Johnson Administration, but if you think "Dick Cheney during the Bush years" and multiply, you'll come closest.  McNamara, who died today, was one of the great villains of my 20's and 30's.  Secretary of Defense, a major architect of the Vietnam War and defender of the ideas behind it, he supported both Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson in their attempts to "save democracy" there.   He entered the new Kennedy Administration in a blaze of glory just five weeks after being named, and then resigning as, president of the Ford Motor Company.   A supremely successful and confident executive (who opposed production of the much-reviled Edsel), he seemed a creative and promising choice.

What he became was a symbol of all that seemed wrong with American foreign policy, especially in Vietnam,(including the "domino theory" claiming that if Vietnam "fell" other nations in the region would fall as well) and one of the subjects of the landmark book about this foreign policy team, David Halberstam's The Best and the Brightest. In addition to the vast, deep anger at the direction of the war and the philosophy that defined it, McNamara and all he represented reminded us daily of what we saw as both the arrogance of the US decision to enter and remain part of the war in Vietnam and our conviction that we were being manipulated, spied upon and lied to.

Paul Hendrickson's The Living and the Dead best described McNamara's impact by visiting the stories of five people affected by the war.  Here's an excerpt from the first part of the book; it looks long,  but you'll be glad you've read it:

In the Winter of 1955

His
wife wasn't drinking milk with her Scotch in the hope her stomach might
hurt a little less – not then. A man bearing a child hadn't set himself
on fire below his Pentagon window – not yet. A wigged-out woman hadn't
stolen up behind his seat in an outdoor cafe in the Kodak winter sun of
Aspen to begin shrieking there was blood on his hands. (He was applying
ketchup to his hamburger.) A Viet Cong agent – his name was Nguyen Van
Troi — hadn't been found stringing fuses beneath a Saigon bridge he
was due to pass over. Odd metaphors and strange turns of phrase weren't
seeping from him like moons of dark ink. His pressed white shirts
weren't hanging loose at his neck. He wasn't reading Homer late at
night in an effort to compose himself. His dyslexic and ulcerated son
hadn't been shown in a national newsmagazine with his ropes of long
hair and kindly face reading aloud a list of war dead at the San
Francisco airport. Reputed members of an organization called the
Symbionese Liberation Army didn't have stored in a Berkeley garage some
crudely drawn but surprisingly detailed descriptions of the interior
and exterior of his resort home in Snowmass, along with thumb-nail
sketches of members of his family. (WIFE: name unknown to me. She is
small, not outstanding in appearance & probably not aggressive. .
.") He hadn't stood in the Pentagon briefing room in front of his
graphs and bar-charts to say with perfect seriousness, "So it is
fifteen percent of ten percent of thirteen-thirtieths that have been in
dispute here. . ." He hadn't stood on the tarmac at Andrews, at the
rollaway steps of his blue-tailed C-135, before winging to a high-level
CINCPAC meeting in Honolulu, and told another tangle of lies into a
tangle of microphones, made more artfully disingenuous statements to
the press boys, this time about the kind of forces – which is to say,
combat forces – soon to be shipped to the secretly escalated war. ("No,
uh, principally logistical support — arms, munitions, training,
assistance.") He hadn't hunched forward in his field fatigues at a news
conference in Saigon and said, as though trying to hug himself, and
with only the slightest belying stammers, "The military operations have
progressed very satisfactorily during the past year. The rate of
progress has exceeded our expectations. The pressure on the Viet Cong,
measured in terms of the casualties they have suffered, the destruction
of their units, the measurable effect on their morale, have all been
greater than we anticipated" — when, in fact, the nations chrome-hard
secretary of defense had already given up believing, in private, a long
while ago, that the thing was winnable in any military sense. The
president of the United States hadn't called him up to yell, "How can I
hit them in the nuts, Bob? Tell me how I can hit them in the nuts!" —
the them being little men in black pajamas in a skinny curve of an
unfathomable country 10,000 miles distant. He hadn't yet gone to this
same president and told him he was afraid of breaking down. The
expressions "body count" and "kill ratio" and "pacification" and
"incursion" hadn't come into the language in the way snow — to use
Orwell's image — falls on an obscene landscape. The casualty figures
of U.S. dead and missing and wounded hadn't spumed, like crimson
geysers, past the once unthinkable 100,000 mark. Nor had this man risen
at a luncheon in Dean Rusk's private dining room at the state
department (it happened on February 27, 1968, forty-eight hours before
he left office) and, without warning, begun coming apart before Rusk
and dark Clifford and Bill Bundy and Walt Rostow and Joe Califano and
Harry McPherson, telling them between stifled sobs, between what
sounded like small asphyxiating noises, between the bitter rivers of
his cursing, that the goddamned Air Force, they're dropping tonnage on
Vietnam at a higher rate than we dropped on Germany in the last part of
World War II, we've practically leveled the place, and what's it done,
nothing, a goddamned nothing, and Christ here's Westmoreland asking for
another 205,000 troops, ifs madness, can't anybody see, this thing has
to be gotten hold of, it's out of control I tell you. . .

No.

None of this.

Not yet.

It all lay waiting in the decades up ahead.

Pretty amazing, huh? Those are just a few of the moments that informed McNamara's War years, and mine. And the engendered the rage, the hateful things yelled at marches, the weeping, the tear gas, the chaos and the fear. And McNamara knew it. He spent much of the rest of his life trying to atone for those years, first by leading the World Bank in its sunnier years and urging America and the world to help the starving and the lost. At least once, he broke down at a major appearance as he described the world misery the Bank sought to abate. Later, he collaborated on a book, Argument Without End, that struggled to understand and, some claim, apologize for, the war. 

As many of the obits noted, especially that on TIME's website, ("Robert McNamara dies, no escape from Vietnam") for many, next to LBJ, McNamara was the war.  And as Hendrickson's book noted, he haunted those directly affected by the war even more than the rest of us. 

Somehow though, it's difficult to retain rage as ideas soften and history teaches us more about times we lived when we were young.  I remember that when Nixon died a friend called to talk about it.  I wasn't home, and she said to my son "What really makes me mad is that I think he outlived our anger."  I'm still trying to figure out if that's how I – we – will feel about this death.  McNamara certainly tried to both understand and to atone for Vietnam but the damage of that war, up until today, remains.  As I've written before, since Vietnam, every national campaign including the last one, and, you can be sure, any one that Sarah Palin runs in the future, is informed by – colored by – sometimes defined by – what happened then.  President Obama has certainly blunted the culture wars, generational change will absolutely change many issues, especially related to gender rights, but I wonder…  When the right gets mad – gets desperate – they can easily reignite the culture wars that were the bi-product of the Vietnam era.  And Robert McNamara is responsible for those, too.

I don't know.  Really, I don't.  But I'm ending with this Charlie Rose interview with McNamara from 1995.  Take a look.  There's more of the whole man here.  The question is now much he deserves, after what the Defense Secretary in him did, to expect us to think about all the rest.

Farewell to Judith Krug – and Thanks from All of Us (Readers, Libarians, Kids, Computer Users and Gamers — Yes, Gamers)

Judy Krug1 You’re looking at a heroine here, a tireless advocate of “freedom to read” and the First Amendment.  Her name is Judith Krug, known to many as “Judy” and a brave and wonderful woman.  As Director of the American Library Association’s Office for Intellectual Freedom since it was founded in 1967, she also founded “Banned Books Week” in 1982. That’s how I met her.

I’d done stories before about First Amendment issues and someone gave her my number.  She called to tell me that the last week of September, 1982, would be the first ALA Banned Books Week and wouldn’t the Today Show like to cover it?  Of course we would.  Look at some of the most banned books over the years – here in the US!  Surprising at best, eh?  They include Harry Potter, Huck Finn, Of Mice and Men, The Catcher in the Rye and Kaffir Boy.  Appalled by the list,  I remember starting the piece with film of the Nazi book burnings in Berlin.  Judy loved it!

In the years since 1982 we repeated the story almost every year — and every year new books joined the list.  Not always from the right, either.  Some liberal parents challenged Huckleberry Finn as racist, and the other ban efforts came from all over the place!  Harry Potter as Satanism, Native Son because it put the death penalty in dispute and the Bible preaches “an eye for an eye,” Wrinkle in Time, Understood Alice and others by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor, Are You There, God? It’s Me, MargaretThe House of Spirits, Slaughterhouse-Five and Lord of the Flies.

But banned books were far from her only concern.  As the Chicago Tribute wrote:

Mrs. Krug worked directly with librarians across the country who were engaged in censorship battles. She enlisted allies from fields that are
affected by 1st Amendment attacks such as publishers and journalists,
said Robert Doyle, executive director of the Illinois Library
Association.
“She was concerned about the gamut of expression,
so that people could go to the library and encounter the full
marketplace of ideas,” Doyle said.

Beyond books was her opposition to filters on library computers and her less-noticed championing of free expression in video games.  A Game Politics piece includes this:

Judith was instrumental in the fight against video game censorship. She was a forceful advocate for Media Coalition amicus
briefs in the Indianapolis, St. Louis, Illinois, Minnesota, and
California video game cases. It would have been easy for the librarians
to say, “That’s not our battle,” but thankfully that wasn’t Judith’s
temperament.

Judith was a fierce believer in the importance of
freedom of expression to our culture and our society and was zealous
defender of the First Amendment. We all have truly benefited from her
passion.

Judy died on April 11th.  She leaves a family who will miss her, I’m sure.  But she leaves a legacy for the rest of us too, one for which we should be grateful.  Anyone who loves to read, who wants to be able to ask a librarian for a special book for a quirky kid, who wants to use the library computer to do research or read off-the-wall news stories, or who just loves to wander in the stacks or online looking for something that never occurred to them, or a special idea or book or website — we’ll miss her too.

Farewell to A True Anti-Apartheid (and Jewish) Hero(ine) of South Africa: Helen Suzman

Helen Suzman3
Nobody ate lobster tail at our house, or bought anything else that came from South Africa, even way back in the 50’s, .  Well before Randall Robinson’s TransAfrica or Steve Van Zandt’s Sun City (see below**), my mother was actively boycotting the apartheid regime.  Despite her generally moderate liberal perspective, she was fierce about this and created my own boycott habit, something that drove my kids crazy all the years that they drank Ovaltine while their friends got Nestle Quick. (That’s another story though.)

Of course anyone back then who knew about South Africa or read Alan Paton’s Cry, the Beloved Country understood the horror of it, but barely anyone talked about it, or demanded action from their own countries.  So why was this the issue that set fire to my mom?  

Helen Suzman*, who died on New Year’s Day at the age of 91, was the reason.  For years she stood as the only anti-apartheid voice in the entire South African Parliament – for six of those years as the only woman as well.The Jewish wife of a well-to-do physician, she entered politics, visited Mandela in prison, stood and spoke, often alone, for the end of apartheid and all that it stood for.  Because she was brave, and because, like so many early white activists there, she was Jewish, her often solitary and always dangerous crusade was a matter of particular pride to many Jewish women, my mother among them.  Her powerful example was a foreshadowing of much that came later.  By the time I was in college, friends were lying in at the doors of Chemical Bank to demand divestiture – removal of American funds from South African investments.  By the 80’s daily demonstrations, and arrests, outside the DC South African embassy kept a drumbeat of attention on the issue.   It took until February of 1990 for Mandela to be released from prison, granting great credit to Ms. Suzman, who later stood at his side as he signed the new constitution.

How interesting that one of the earliest moral political lessons I learned came from the courage of a woman half way around the world, not only because of her courage and effectiveness but also because of her faith.  We speak so casually of “role models” these days, but when there is a true model of how to live, the impact is enormous.  I’ve known that for a long time, and as I watched Barack Obama tell city kids he visited on Thanksgiving eve that ” You guys might end being the president some day” I thought it again.

Ms. Suzman’s example multiplied her power: not only did she stand alone for change when such a stand was desperately needed, she also taught all those who watched her that they could stand too, that just as her stands gave birth to theirs, their own actions multiplied the impact of hers.  As we enter this new year, with so much ahead of us, it’s something we would do well to remember – and live by.
*Here’s an interview with Ms. Suzman

**Here’s the 1985 video from “Miami Steve” and artists from Herbie Hancock to Pat Benetar and Bonnie Raitt to Lou Reed and The Boss himself.

A Woman of Valor

Lisa_goldberg_cropped_2 Lisa Goldberg, 54 years old, died this week of a brain aneurysm.  When I heard, all I could think was “what a waste.”  While it’s always sad when someone dies, especially to those who loved them, Lisa, quietly (there are so few photos of her available online that I had to use this candid) and with great dignity, contributed so much.  President of the Charles H. Revson Foundation, she was responsible for funding many impressive programs.  Some dealt with Jewish issues, some with urban social change, and, as in the one through which I met her, some dealt with issues relating to women.

Wmc_logo_1 Two years ago, she had the foresight to issue a planning grant to support the launch of the Women’s Media Center, a project for women in journalism whose founders include Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda, Eve Ensler and Marlene Sanders among other great pioneers.  In the time since, the Center has made great strides and become a force not only for women journalists but in the coverage of issues that matter to or involve women.

I didn’t know Lisa well – more admired her from afar.  Her role at Revson was remarkable, and her leadership made difference in a great many lives.  She was Best Woman at the wedding of a friend of mine — which I always thought was pretty cool.  Beyond a few conversations about the Center or books we loved, we didn’t have that much contact.

One incident though, to me, is typical of her.  I was “staffing” the early days of the Women’s Media Center and we were meeting at the Manhattan headquarters of the Revson Foundation.  Some material had not been printed, there was a blizzard, and I barely had time to get to the offices much less to Kinko’s.  Lisa’s staff helped me get everything printed, collated and bound without breaking a sweat – OR acting like they were doing me a favor (which they were…..)   I sent Lisa a note letting her know how great they had been.  Her response was typical of my perception of her.  She thanked me for letting her know, told me she had forwarded my note to the young women who had helped me and added how high her own regard was for each of them.  Again – quiet, unassuming and on the mark.

Of course there’s one other thing.  When someone dies suddenly, there’s always a moment of terror.  In this case, just as I always measure the deaths of older people by whether they were older or younger than my father was when he died, I was shocked to realize that Lisa was younger than I.  It’s a credit to her, though, that this thought was fleeting and quickly banished.  The loss of such a “woman of valor” is tough enough on its own.

SO LONG GOVERNOR RICHARDS

When I worked at the TODAY SHOW as political producer I had a deal with both parties that they would call and give me a heads up when they named their keynote speakers.  That way I could call and book them to be on the show the morning of their speech — and get them before the other shows.  In 1988 I got a call on a Saturday morning to let me know that the Democrats had chosen Texas Governor Ann Richards.  I was frantic.  It was a weekend.  How would I find her?  How would I get her phone number?  I called the NBC affiliate in Austin.  They had no home number.  I called the AP.  Ditto.  I called a couple of political friends – no luck.  So then, on a lark (you can guess the end of this story I bet) I called information.  Yup.  She was listed in the phone book!  I called, she answered, and we got her first.  She was a riot on the phone, too.  I asked her about listing her number and she seemed genuinely amused- why shouldn’t she list her number like everyone else?  Governor Richards died yesterday, September 13, 2006 at 73.

Probably that speech was one of the high points of her career.  Funny and a bit mischievous, it pushed class angles to differentiate between the parties, and it’s remembered far beyond Michael Dukakis, the candidate who eventually lost to the first President Bush. Bush himself often seemed awkward.  Said Richards, “Poor George, he can’t help it — he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.”  She brought down the house.

But President Bush’s opponent, Michael Dukakis, lost resoundingly. Richards was elected governor in 1991 (12th of the only 28 women ever to serve at governors) and served one term – losing her bid for re-election, ironically – to the son of the man she had so mocked –  George W. Bush.    In her later years she worked for a lobbying firm that included several tobacco accounts, to the dismay of many of her fans.

But this self-made country girl, recovering alcoholic ( and biker – see this photo) led her state with imagination and humor, wrote a wonderful autobiography that made the Depression come alive and set a great example for the emerging crew of women politicians.  Those who followed her gained much from her pioneering leadership – and we’ll miss her.