A Gift from Grown Sons

On the Danube, 1985
On the Danube, 1985

My sons are gifted givers of love.  To their wives.  To their sons. To us.  The richness of this awareness is indescribable.

To watch a man, a son of yours, arrive home from work, lift his infant son and greet him with such easy confidence and comfort and tenderness, help his toddler handle his anger, joke with his wife, ask with deep concern “how is Dad feeling?” well – you can’t imagine.  If you’re lucky, maybe you can.

To watch his brother conduct serious conversations with his one year old, read to him, laugh with him, unabashedly speak of his love for his wife and child and offer small acts of kindness to us – and to so many others – well – you can’t imagine.  If you’re lucky, maybe you can.

I know many families share in these blessings.  But I’m writing it now because I woke up this morning thinking this, feeling so full of gratitude you can’t imagine.  If you’re lucky, maybe you can.

MOTHERS WITH CANCER: SOME OF THE BRAVEST WOMEN ON THE PLANET

Mothers_with_cance_croppedrThis is the logo from a blog called Mothers with Cancer.  (We are twenty (or so) moms
fighting cancer. Some of us have been in remission for years; others
are newly diagnosed, or battling a new recurrence. All of us have
something to say.
)  I’ve spent much of the past week reading personal and group cancer blogs for a project and I’ve been near tears for most of that time.  The sadness, the courage, the resilience in the face of multiple recurrences, the joy in small moments – there’s only so much of it you can read before you start to crumble.  Then you tell yourself that they’re living what you’re reading, and, out of respect, you force yourself to go on.

In 1998 there was a big cancer March on Washington.   I was around DC for much of it; because of my husband’s long-time work on prostate cancer advocacy I’ve been around cancer advocates and survivors for years.  But none of that, and none of them – brought truth to the words "you’ve got cancer" the way these bloggers do, as their realities become ours.  I’ve come to believe that we owe them our attention – that, as Willie Loman‘s wife Linda said:  "Attention must be paid."  And so it must

You’ll find many of a legion of cancer bloggers on Mothers with Cancer and many more on their individual blog rolls.  I urge you to visit their sites and leave a message.  They may not know us, but through their honesty — and their pain — we know them.  And we can’t leave them sitting out here alone.  Listen:

The truth is, I am scared. I am trying to reassure myself with the fact
that I have been feeling pretty good, that I have been biking and
running But I was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was feeling the
healthiest and most fit that I had in years. And I was diagnosed with
liver mets three weeks after I returned to work, at a time when I was
feeling strong, energetic and (so I thought) on the road to reclaiming
my life from cancer.
   Not Just About Cancer

Continue reading MOTHERS WITH CANCER: SOME OF THE BRAVEST WOMEN ON THE PLANET

SARAH PALIN II: IS ANYBODY ELSE READY TO THROW UP THAT WE’RE DOING ALL THIS MOMMY TALKING?

Rabbit_hole3
I worked at the TODAY SHOW from 1980 to 1989.  During that time I probably produced, conservatively, two pieces a month on "working mothers", as we were called then.  It was rough slogging.  No matter how many times we looked at it (always from both sides) it just wouldn’t die.  Of course early in that same period we had trouble getting cameramen who would shoot a story including an AIDS victim, so there were tougher issues for sure.

In any case, in that period we talked to T. Berry Brazelton (often), Lois Hoffman, Ellen Galinsky, Dr. Edward Zigler, Phyllis Schlafly, Sylvia Hewlett, activists from Catalyst, NOW, Eagle Forum, David Elkind, Letty Cottin Pogrebin and literally hundreds of others.  We debated every aspect of child development, nature/nurture – you name it, we covered it.  By the time I left at the end of 1989 the issue had mostly been settled – by demographics if nothing else.  Mothers were working.  Many needed to be.  More were on their own, abandoned by or never having had a partner in raising their kids.  What was left of the battle was scraps, remnants and [very important] policy issues dealing with childcare, equal pay and family leave etc.  Working moms were an American reality.

That was twenty years ago!  Twenty years!  And now, artificially or not, the issue has emerged again.  And many of those allegedly "defending" working moms (or at least one named Sarah) are those who, for much of my working mother life, so vehemently opposed the idea of women going out of the home to work.  Sorry.  I know the conversation has passed this issue in many ways but as I read posts and newsletters today, it made me mad all over again.  With all these conservatives defending working mothers, after what I remember, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.  They’re all working now too so some of it is probably genuine but there’s also such an element of strategic hollering.  Anyone else feel like they fell down the rabbit hole?

TOO MANY WOMEN DOCTORS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? DON’T YOU WATCH GREY’S ANATOMY?

Too_many_women_docs_2
OK now I’m mad!  I have a pretty high tolerance for media assumptions and misrepresentations unfair to those of us who are female.  I do.  Really.  But I think I’ve hit the wall.  Listen to this, from Business Week this week (here’s a hint – the article is called "Are There Too Many
Women Doctors?" ) The premise – there’s a doctor shortage in the US and: 
This looming shortage is forcing into the open a controversy that has
been cautiously debated in hospitals and medical practices for some time: Are
women doctors part of the problem? It’s
not the abilities of female doctors that are in question. It’s that study after
study has found women doctors tend to work 20% to 25% fewer hours than their
male counterparts.

What to discuss first?  That those who work that additional 20-25% probably work too hard?  That resentments build
up in their spouses and children that never go away.  That the "problem" is in reality a grand improvement achieved through the work and suffering of a generation of women who fought their way through medical school, internships and fellowships and now use their knowledge both to take care of people and to still live a life of their own. Shocking!

Continue reading TOO MANY WOMEN DOCTORS? ARE YOU SERIOUS? DON’T YOU WATCH GREY’S ANATOMY?

THOREAU, JOHN HARVARD AND WHO I WAS (OR…WHO WAS I?)

Walden_gorgeousYou have to love New England in the fall.  This is Walden Pond, retreat of Henry David Thoreau, where I spent Friday morning.  Morra Aarons of BlogHer and Women and Work and Joan Blades of Moms Rising let me tag along on their wanderings, including a walk all the way around the pond.  It was a remarkably appropriate location, since Thoreau, pretty much a rebel in addition to his fame as a thinker, is an inspiration to so many. So are these two.  I kept thinking about him as I listened to Morra and Joan talking about the future of women – and policy – and motherhood. 

Joan has done something remarkable: she’s launched Mom’s Rising to obliterate policy inequities toward mothers. Much of what Moms Rising seeks is built upon an acknowledgment of the special requirements that working moms face: the freedom to stay home with a sick child, to have equal access to jobs whether parents or not, and to live integrated lives.  According to Joan – in the past decade or so we Americans have added 500 hours a year to our working days.  That makes it harder than ever to integrate being a decent mothers and with the responsibility to support our families.

My generation was often either skeptical about motherhood or terrified to advocate for these issues because they could give men reasons to deny us equality in work, salary, promotions and benefits.  Now, through the vision of Moms Rising, these issues are moving toward unabashed prominence — no apologies necessary.  It’s difficult to describe the gratitude I feel — both for what they’re doing and for the fact that they can.  When my kids were little, asking for time off to care for a sick kid was scary; what would they say not only in the front offices but also around the water cooler?  We had to be so circumspect.  Today’s advocates are brave and skillful as they work to move policy forward; it’s a good feeling to know that the battles we fought then have advanced the argument and legitimized advocacy by moms for moms.

H_sq1It was a day for thinking, I guess.  I met Morra at the Harvard Square subway station.  As I stood waiting for her there, I felt such a rush of nostalgia and — almost — sadness.  Cambridge to a young student is a place full of promise — a chance to become excellent in a community of excellence.  I used to come in from my own college in western Massachusetts and just revel in it all.  Today I hit an ambush moment – I saw that young woman (me) running around in big scarves and wild hats and colored tights and antiwar buttons — making trouble and having a blast.  I’m grateful for that.  But I also know now that for everything we achieve – we miss something else.  Part of growing up is coming to terms with what we’ve accomplished — and what we haven’t.  And emerging from a subway station to a youthful landmark seldom visited can bring it all back at once.

That’s another reason for my gratitude about Moms Rising — another generation of activism pushing the boundaries my friends and I pushed out so far ourselves.    

So thanks and hats off – to my sisters who came before, to Morra and to Joan for a wonderful morning, to Joan for launching this very inspiring crusade and to all the mothers who’ve joined the fight. 

SHARING FRIENDS, BUILDING BRIDGES

Josiah_noah_1These two little guys, Josiah (in the closet) and Noah (in the doorway) just met each other. That didn’t bother them, of course. Five minutes after they met, which was about ten after seven this morning, they had each grabbed a push toy and taken off down the hall, leaving their moms to get to know each other.

Josiah’s mom, Anna, is very dear to me. Once our neighbors, she and her husband moved back home to Atlanta once this sweet young man arrived. They’ve got great family and childhood connections here in the land of the peaches so it’s only fair, but we miss them like crazy. I’ve loved having this trip to see their new house and the life they’ve built here because seeing it and knowing it’s right for them makes it a little easier that it’s not near us.

Noah (now don’t get confused – I mean Noah in the picture though Josiah’s father is also named Noah) is the son of my friend Liza – also a blogger and good, good friend. I introduced the two moms; I don’t seem capable of not doing such “you two should REALLY know each other” matchmaking, and it made me so happy to be with them and their boys. Somehow it’s easier to be far from them if they’re near each other.

I’m supposed to be the wise older friend but I’ve mourned Anna, Noah and Josiah’s departure almost daily – happy for them and so so sad at their absence from our old movie weekends and quick last-minute meals. We’re wealthy in our friendships and deeply grateful for the families who have become part of ours, but loving one friend doesn’t mean you don’t miss another one. So it was a real joy to be with them and to know I’m leaving them richer for having met one another. See you soon my sisters.

SIM SHALOM (Grant Peace)

Another_motherMy friend Cooper, who helped so many people in the days after Hurricane Katrina continues her deep, principled search for good.  She’s posted a meditation on the resurrection of Another Mother for Peace and her hope that moms can make the difference in bringing us closer to an end to war.

Rather than comment here, I send you to my comment on her site.  As usual she is insightful and hopeful — take a look and then move down to what I said there — which best sums up my less optimistic view.  I do know that if Cooper has anything to do about it, my pessimism will be misplaced.  If you haven’t been to her blog, go there even if this issue isn’t what speaks to you.

WINE, WOMEN AND PLAY DATES (Yeah I’m late on this)

Wine_and_playdates I must have been one of the last people on the planet to hear about this ruckus — a profile of mothers together at the swing set, pushing the kids with glasses of wine in hand.  As I read in Her Bad Mother, the story appeared on my old alma mater THE TODAY SHOW, where I worked for nine proud and happy years.  I don’t know whether I’m more upset with the content of the story, the reaction or the fact that TODAY is, generally, so much less substantial than it was when I worked there.  ADD THIS: I just read most of the back story to all this at the source:  Melissa Summers’ Suburban Bliss.  If even part of it is true (and I have no reason to doubt any of it) then it’s far more a scandal about television than it is about drinking and moms.  PLEASE READ THIS.  It also includes links to many comments on the matter.

As I said before I read Melissa’s very troubling post, "This story looked unbalanced to me – at least the video did, so I was glad to learn from Jenn Satterwhite’s Mommy Bloggers post that TODAY is planning a follow-up on Friday."  In the mean time take a look at what Catherine (Her Bad Mother) and others (Google Blog Search turned up dozens of posts) have had to say about this.  I want to watch the follow-up before I say anything.  I lived around bad alcohol issues at one point in my life and am very sensitive to the issue so am remaining silent for now.

PLEASE COMMENT though if you have thoughts about this.